I have never felt nostalgia like this in my life.
This time last year I was in Seoul, South Korea. My friends and I went to an outdoor concert that evening. I still remember the phone lights swaying back and forth to the music that reverberated through the ground and through me, making me feel that oneness with the universe that I am constantly seeking. I remember the way the moon was a crescent. The snacks we munched on, careful not to spill anything on our white clothes (we coincidentally all wore the same color). The way that each shot of soju made me melt into the music until I was nothing but a hum myself. I closed my eyes, rested my head on my friends' shoulders- friends that I thought I would have a forever with.
Nostalgia isn't something I am new to. I missed Seoul even when I was physically at my college campus earlier this year. But these "unfortunate times" in particular have made me especially desperate and hopeless. And for the first time I am feeling this feeling. The kind where you wonder if happiness was worth the pain you'd have to endure of missing it.
Normally, I lay out my feelings as I have done above, and then find a way to constructively cope with them. But this time I am stuck. This feeling is so juxtaposed in itself. The memories are so euphoric that I want to listen to songs from that era and drown in a pool of the moments associated. But in remembering those moments, I also confront the fact that the present is not so good. The fact that I will never be able to recreate that period of my life. The uncertainty of whether I will ever feel that way again. And that hurts.
I read some advice on what to do. I could simply notice the nostalgia and let it pass (a meditative approach). I could channel the nostalgia into creativity (a productive approach). I could escape into a book or something else in the present (an escapist approach). But the best solution seems to be to pursue that kind of happiness and wait to feel it again. The hopeful approach.
It seems that hope is the only thing we can rely on these days.
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